Friday, April 15, 2016

It's in my underwear!

Once again, the superior technologies of companies like Monsanto and Dupont have identified our most pressing issues and have come to our rescue.  These brilliant scientists are always looking for ways to make life easier and more convenient for all of us. 

The mosquito problem

Oh, those pesky bitey critters, always making our lives so difficult! Sure, we attract them with the scents we use and we could probably get rid of them if we only didn't leave water lying around in puddles, but why should we make the effort?  Also, if we didn't use pesticides that killed birds, the birds would eat the mosquitoes, but we'd have to enact laws and so on, and who has time for all that eco stuff?

At one time we wore protective gear to at least keep the danged things out of our faces, especially in parts of the world where mosquitoes carry diseases and fevers.  But no one looks good under a net, it's hard to smoke a pipe that way, and we can't see the TV in that ridiculous costume.  Also, we would risk looking like terrorists.

Unimpressive package, Bill.
Thank goodness for the miracle of insecticidal clothing.  Specifically, underwear.  Shorts.  Briefs.  Even thongs.  That's right, one pair of specially-treated intimate wear will repel not only mosquitoes, but chiggers, fleas, ticks and white whales.  Their maker states the insecticide will be "active for up to 15 washes," which might be more than a year for some of you.  You are not to worry about the insecticides you're putting into our waste water, and you should definitely not think about the fact that chemicals which have been outlawed in Europe for over two decades are constantly rubbing against your tender naughty parts.  

Why not take a few minutes and investigate the wide range of clothing that is now permeated with exotic insecticides for your benefit?  Look for proprietary names like "Bug Ban" and "Zap Off," and please don't ask what harm they might do, because no one really knows for sure.  They work, and that's all you need to know.

Slippery, even when not wet

Yes, our old friend Teflon is once again in the spotlight, because it's not just for cookware anymore.  And those stainless steel pans you switched to won't protect you from contact with Teflon.  You guessed it - it's in your clothing.

Warning:  Do not google the term "Teflon" with safe search off, unless you want an eyeful.  The stuff is apparently used in the construction of artificial vaginas, for those who want them.  Say no more.  

Most of us grew up with Teflon, so it's probably too late for us anyway.  It's in the water, the soil, the air.  Earth will soon be the planet nothing sticks to.  At least we won't have to worry about meteor strikes.  

For those of you who are young enough to still have some chance of not developing Teflon-based tumors the size of goose eggs in your brain, the manufacturer has developed new products (besides those vaginas, which can't be sold in WalMart) to improve your difficult, tedious lives.  Teflon, along with the insecticides mentioned above, is now found in work clothes.  Many rugged-clothing websites are full of testimonials from laborers about how their wives were sure they'd gone to the bar again instead of the job because they came home so clean. 

The wearer slipped out.  
Teflon is incorporated into the extruded polymer threads of clothing now.  It is marketed under various names like "Slip-Gard," "SlideAway" and "ShedzAll."   Anything beats calling it Teflon, right?  Apparently it makes clothing more durable, less likely to tear or look worn after many wearings, and it makes it more washable.  That's right, you're washing Teflon into our drinking water right along with the insecticides, but never mind.  Its presence in the soil and water also helps to kill those pesky birds that crap everywhere, and we no longer need them to eat mosquitoes, so it's all good.

Amazing news! Teflon is now marketed in a convenient squeeze bottle.  Why not buy the keychain version, for when you encounter a balky lock or you need a little something-something late at night in your car, parked at the side of a lonely country road?  We understand, and we will never tell.

So, dear peeps, I leave you secure in the certainty that large corporations are continuing to look out for your interests.  I give you visions of Teflon vaginas slipping around inside insecticidal thongs.  The future is now.