Monday, April 18, 2016

Deathcakes - the worst craft idea ever

Craft mags and websites are desperate - absolutely slatheringly, rabidly desperate - for new craft ideas that don't require the crafter to possess any skills or creativity.  First it was counted cross stitch.  Then it was adult coloring books.  Now it's. . . .cupcakes made from spray foam insulation.  

He should be filling out online job applications.

"Faux food can be used to beautifully decorate a dining table or kitchen counter. Try making spray foam cupcakes. Place paper liners in an old cupcake tin. Carefully fill them with spray foam to create faux cupcakes. If desired, before the material dries, top each one with a faux cherry. Allow the fluff to dry completely before removing. If necessary, file or cut it away for perfectly shaped treats. The material is easy to sculpt. Paint the cupcakes with acrylic craft paint, and coat them with clear acrylic sealer. They will look good enough to eat."  --The Very Very Crafty Crafty Crafter

I have never decorated my counter.  Have you?  Where do I shop for faux cherries?  This stuff is not "fluff" and it doesn't "dry."  It's a pretty serious chemical compound that cures.  It should never be filed, because that causes fine particles to be airborne.  It is not easy to sculpt.  And God help you and your family if these abominations look good enough to eat.

Dow is one of the primary makers of spray foam insulation, although any company with a warehouse full of toxic chemicals has jumped on the foam wagon.  Here's what Dow recommends in regard to safety precautions when using their "Great Stuff" spray foam:
  • Shut off all pilot lights and sources of ignition, everywhere in the house.  That includes furnaces, water heaters, gas ovens, etc.  Tell your neighbors to do the same.
  • Do not get on skin.  You'll scream for hours if you do.
  • Use in well-ventilated areas.  Wear gloves, safety googles, and protective clothing.  Hold your breath while using.  
Mr. Smartypants in the photo above is doing everything wrong, obviously.  Here's what he should look like:

I hope no one out there in CraftWorld is making these Deathcakes.  If you are thinking about doing it, don't.  They won't look right, anyway.  Spray foam is notoriously difficult to control. It expands to 100 times its original volume in five seconds and cures instantly to the consistency of concrete.  It will engulf your grandmother's fine china in the blink of an eye, and it will encase the cat in seconds. As an added bonus, spray foam is the gift that keeps on giving, because its component chemicals have half lives of approximately a bazillion thirty years.  

Does that sound yummy to you?

Very crunchy cupcakes that take forever to swallow.