Wednesday, March 23, 2016
The New Sprockets First Reader
In this updated version, we follow McGuffey's model of introducing a few new words and phrases with each lesson, in order to help students of the language grow and expand. Unlike McGuffey, however, our target reader is of adult age, due to the abysmal stupidity of the present-day American populace. Without further ado:
Lesson 1. Helping Others
Tom was late for his flute lesson, and wanted to hurry on by, but Harry pointed out that one always has time to help another, and also that Dorothy was not likely to fight them for the basket because she was feeling so ill. The boys agreed that they could probably sell the contents of the basket - and maybe even the basket itself, those rogues! - once they got to town.
Lesson words and phrases: sadness, basket, theft, burning flames of hell, vomit, a tisket a tasket, massive profit margin.
Lesson 2: Making Big Plans
Lesson words and phrases: tongue, pointy hat, burn you sinner, five year plan.
Lesson 3: What Happens When We Sleep
Lesson words and phrases: Trauma, nightmare, insomnia, bed wetting, fear of birds, abandonment issues, overwhelmed by certain doom.
Lesson 4: Keeping a Healthy Schedule
This could happen to you, if you are not careful. You could drop down when you are playing a game with your friends and they might think you have expired and bury you, or make you into glue. So always do what your parents tell you to do, and make sure you have adequate rest so you can perform your daily tasks without calling undue attention to yourself. (This horse was very embarrassed later.)
Lesson words and phrases: malingerer, future dog food, causing a scene, stupid horse.
Lesson 5: Let Adults Lead the Conversation, No Matter how Silly They Seem.
See if you would acquit yourself as well as Jimmy did. Would you be able to give this man the respect due to a man of his age and station? Did Jimmy succeed in this, or was he just a pawn of a strange man's whims. . . again. . . .?
Lesson words and phrases: wasting my time, why ask that, none of your business, makes no sense, my you are very critical, get on that horse and ride, sod off you wanker.
Lesson 6: Never Say Yes to a Camel
The camel went on to become the spiritual leader of Abdul's tribe and fathered over 100 children. At his death he had five wives, 50 concubines, and an Olds Cutlass Supreme with a vinyl roof and reclining bucket seats.
Lesson words and phrases: subterfuge, home grown, one hump or two, fleas, concubines
Note to teachers: Please feel free to use the foregoing as practical lessons, to be presented to your students from time to time as the occasion demands.