Wednesday, March 2, 2016

It's how fish would communicate, if they could.

The other day there was a new thread on the Etsy forum which might just signal the End Times.  The end of the Etsy forum, that is.  For me, I mean.  

Someone asked whether we could use emoticons in the forum.  

This person then proceeded to demonstrate a whole string of the little bastards, as if no one knew what she was talking about.  Whereupon her tweensy girlfriends piled on with their favorite emoticons.  

My post about emoticons being a bad idea, a very very bad idea, a disastrous idea because they are utterly unprofessional, was mocked.  Then the moderators erased it.  So at least I know where I stand now.

The Discovery of Emoticons

In 2001, Carl Eberstadt, noted pioneer of recycling, decided to upcycle the gooey, stinky sludge from the crevice between the base of his bathroom toilet and the floor.  Eberstadt, famous for reusing everything, combined this repulsive muck with a Czechoslovakian educational graphics program from the 1950s, added some bright colors and a high-gloss finish, and called the result "smileys."  He patented his creation and sold it to Trump, Inc. for fifty bazillion dollars.  Yes, The Donald developed emoticons as we know them today, so emoticons are all his fault, just like everything else that's wrong with the universe.  True.

Current Reactions to Emoticons

In preparation for this article, our ace reporters interviewed thousands of professionals and ordinary people about their feelings in regard to emoticons. in preparation for this article.  Here are some of the more interesting viewpoints we received.

"Goofy, just goofy.  Little girl stuff, like magikal unicorns and purple ponies.  Unacceptable."  --the straight brother from "Property Brothers"  

"They make me feel creepy, like they're maybe watching me.  I want to stomp on them and smoosh them with my boots.  Anyone who sends them is dead to me." --Karl Marx

"I could be having a great chat with you, pages and pages, but you slip one of those little bastards in there and it's game over.  Ghost City.  I go dark."  --Billy Joel

"They're like little viruses, you know?  Like some kind of cyber STD.  They spread all around like herpes and pretty soon it's like you gave me that, and you're like no I didn't it was Cheryl, and now we're in court and I'm like what."  --Shizz

"I adore them, darling.  When I'm hating the stupid things you're saying and you give me a little face to punch, I soooo appreciate it." --Mario Buatta

"Well we used to draw images in caves, then we invented language, then we forgot how to spell, and now we're letting our devices put up little drawings again.  It's organic.  I see it as the circle of life, hakuna whatever."  --Kneel Onthe Grass Tyson

"I've never gotten a serious piece of communication or an important message from an adult that contained an emoji."  --Rachel Zoe Schitzenpouffer

What happens now?

Entropy happens now.  The center cannot hold, and all of that.  

When a significant percentage of adult humans think it's not only perfectly fine, but actually desirable, to communicate in confusing pictures, rather than the words that were already getting them in trouble, well. . . .I was going to say the writing is on the wall, but it's a big circle with an expression.  

Emoticons convey the emotions babies recognize on their mother's faces as soon as they're born, so when you see one in an email or a text you know exactly the level of communication you're getting. 

In the spirit of "I can only control my own actions," I do not respond to any message that has an emoticon in it.  I will tolerate the occasional ;-), but anything in circular form makes me disappear.  

So if you want me out of your life, send emoticons my way.