Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Hacking the Life Hackers

Without further ado, here are some of the weirdest Life Hacks I've seen recently.  As is usual with helpful hints, they reveal the bizarre inner workings of the minds of their creators and leave me wondering about the state of humanity in general.

"less effort to do?"  Well, never mind.  Maybe they never finished grade school.  The real humor here is in the typo where the author means to say you can get "more" sleep, not less.  Because the truth is that if you drink more water you actually will get much less sleep, due to getting up several times at night to pee.  And also this just isn't true on any level.  I'll just keep drinking when I'm thirsty.  Thanks.

Um, I guess you could do this.  Once.  And then spend the next several months living with the smell of burnt cheese whenever you make toast.  Clearly, if you're doing this you have electrical power, which means your oven works, which means you could do this in a frying pan, but sure, yeah.  This is the kind of thing that only seems like a great idea if you're drunk and really stupid to begin with.  Also good for drying wet hair.  Uh huh.

First, yes - your ass does look huge in those pants.  And you didn't find that hole: someone else found it.  And how about wearing some underwear, chubby?

You could also wear skin-colored pants in the future.  There's a hack for you.  Or no pants at all, but then you wouldn't have anywhere to carry a Sharpie.

Maybe you really just shouldn't leave the house.  I'm sure the rest of the world would vote for that.

Yes, and it also guarantees you'll be told to pull ahead into one of the reserved spaces, where you will wait for at least 30 minutes.  Then you'll be given someone else's nasty food, but you won't know it until you get home, because now you're late and the children are starving.  Too bad you never learned to cook, isn't it?  I guess you're just a pathetic person.  

"Yes" what?  Yes, you now have made yet another thing no one will eat?  Yes, weeks from now you will find the sticky residue from this between the sofa cushions where your guests shoved it?  Yes, this would make a much better insulating and/or packing material than a food product?  Yes, this looks like molded chopped liver?  Yes, this will smell like vomit from the minute it's made until you finally throw it out?  Yes to all of the above, and thanks for the brilliant hack.  Maybe add some chocolate chips next time?

Wow, what a great idea!  Maybe if you stopped having fist fights in the house you wouldn't break light covers?  And of course we all have lovely blue Mason jars sitting around.  So why not use them creatively?  What?  What's that you say?  You want me to keep a broom and dustpan nearby so when the jar explodes from the heat build up I can keep things tidy?  Well, I call that a double hack, sir!  Well done!

This is a take on the old favorite of making dinner rolls out of actual bunnies.  Your guests will be expecting rabbits, but they'll get dough!  How very witty!  As in the original recipe, all you need is a cookie sheet and a sharp pair of scissors.  Much less mess with this one, and trapping the dinner rolls isn't as difficult.

One possible issue is that although these look like rabbits now, once they bake they look more like bread blobs with bumps at one end.  Why not add a decorative tuft of genuine rabbit fur decoration to make them more realistic?  You're welcome, hackers.

And finally, because we all know the Zombie apocalypse is right around the corner, I share the following public service safety message: