The annual Sprockets International Independence Day celebration will be held on the north lawn on Sunday, July 3, from 9:00 p.m. to 9:15 p.m. Purchase tickets in the cafeteria today. Valet parking will be provided at an extra cost.
Before Independence Day
When we look around this great land, improved with pavement and covered with lovely warehouses and factories, it’s difficult to believe that not so long ago the entire country was nothing more than useless virgin forest. The skies were blue, the air was clear, and people could drink right out of the rivers without developing open weeping sores.
In those days, Britain was busy subjugating dark-skinned peoples all over the planet. They needed raw materials like plutonium, emeralds and unicorn horns to achieve their goals, so they sent bands of mercenaries and convicted criminals here to try to find those things. Many of these people were eaten by giant armadillos, but a few intrepid souls survived in the lonely, fearsome wilderness, and in time colonies developed.
After a few decades the colonials, tired of being bossed around by people on the other side of the ocean, decided they wanted to be independent of Britain. They had learned to make almost everything they needed from dandelion fluff and beaver scrotums, and they didn’t need Britain anymore. So they killed all the soldiers who were standing guard over them and sent a Dear John letter to the ruler of England, King George the Boy. “It’s not you, it’s us,” the letter read in part. “We just want different things. Good luck with that heroin addiction. Love, The Colonists.”
King George responded by sending many ships of ridiculously-clad soldiers over to “show them what’s what,” starting the war. The redcoats marched as if they were in a parade, in formations that just screamed “Aim here, kill me!” and the settlers were able to pick them off using slingshots made from dirty underwear. Quite a few of the soldiers were sucked dry by giant mosquitos, who relished their thin, pasty skin. Many others, dazzled past endurance by the unfamiliar sunlight, simply stripped off their clothes and ran screaming into the woods. But the troop ships kept coming, and, despite their best efforts, the colonists were losing the war.
Our Day of Liberation
On July 4, 1776, attracted by the bright shiny red coats and sparkling buckles on the British uniforms, an alien ship on a routine patrol swooped down and vacuumed up all the Brits and a buffalo or two by mistake. They spit out the buffalo, but kept the redcoats. This event is referred to as The Great Sucking Up.
The alien ships returned periodically as more British soldiers were sent over, and pretty soon Mad King George, the “Karma Chameleon,” gave up. Americans have celebrated July 4 as Independence Day ever since. We also honor the aliens, who have proven themselves to be the most benevolent caretakers any civilization could hope to have, so long as we don’t wear red or shiny things.
How We Celebrate
Until about 1850, Independence Day was celebrated with games like “The Buffalo Drop” and “Suck a Redcoat.” As it became more difficult to find redcoats, and given the messiness of the Buffalo Drop, today we do other things. Naturally, we pay homage to the alien overlord, and we also celebrate with fireworks to commemorate the sparkling of the alien space ships as they removed our enemies. Traditional meals of candy corn and Slim Jims are enjoyed by the children, while adults partake of heartier fare, including Cherokee Soup (made with artificial Cherokee) and Nachos con Quistador.
The main Independence Day event is of course held in Roswell, New Mexico, long an alien trading post and refueling area. Hordes of visitors set out for Roswell weeks in advance of the event. They come in the hope of witnessing a brief fly-over from an alien representative - although of course we never want to see a repeat of the Unfortunate Event of 1947.
If the celebrations at Roswell follow their usual course, this year we can look forward to at least twenty arrests as fights break out. There seems to be no way to keep the crackpots from resurrecting the bizarre 1947 “weather balloon theory,” although it has been repeatedly dismissed by mainstream science for lack of evidence.
Admission to Roswell site is free, but there are no restrooms and we urge everyone to remember it is a desert in the middle of absolutely nowhere, without shelter or water, where temperatures reach 120 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade by noon, and everyone including the local sheriff sucks on peyote as if it were a breath mint.
This Year’s Festivities at SI
This year we have plenty of fun lined up for all Sprockets International employees and their families on the north lawn, although we admit that nothing could equal the amazing event of ten years ago when an alien file clerk met with SI radioactivity test subject George W. Bush. Activities include:
- Pin the fin on the alien
- Five-legged race
- The Sprockets International Choreographed Sparkler Team with Whistles and Silly White Boots marches in a straight line
- Raffle for genuine piece of glowing alien space debris
- Re-enactment of The Great Sucking Up of 1776, performed by members of the Custodial Department hooked to big elastic bands
- Bobbing for buffalo chunks
It is your patriotic duty to celebrate Independence Day in the prescribed manner, and attendance will be taken. As always, any deviation from the norm will become part of your permanent record.